literature

EWW Three Minutes or Less

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Everything Wrong With Three Minutes or Less in 4 or more minutes (spoilers) (obviously)

TV: Looks like our killer had the necessary koala-fications.

Me: Animal puns. (ding) 

Comedy Chimp: Meh Burger now delivers. You get your order in thirty minutes or less or it’s free.

Me: I think League Of Super Evil did an episode based on this. (ding)

Comedy Chimp: So, come on down. [turns away from the camera] Why would they come on down if we’re delivering?

Me: You said it, Chimp. 1) It’s stupid and 2) whoever wrote this has NO common sense. Minus 2 sins. (2 reversed dings)

Dave: Four Meh Burgers, piping cold.

Me: CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE FIRE THAT IDIOT? PERMANENTLY! (ding) Also, ‘piping cold’? This guy needs to work on his basic English speaking skills. (ding)

Sonic: You’re three hours late.

Me: Three. Hours. LATE. FIVE SINS for that BRAINDEAD DEADBEAT’S INCOMPETENCE. (5 dings)

Dave: I’d appreciate a positive review…

Me: A POSITIVE REVIEW FOR WHAT? You were THREE HOURS LATE on the delivery and all you want for your sheer idiocy, incompetence and irresponsibility is A POSITIVE REVIEW?! I am surprised at how ANYONE with a brain cell and a shred of common sense would EVER THINK to PROMOTE YOU from intern to manager just for saving the village, which by the way you DID NOT DESERVE, only for YOU to then SLIP UP ON YOUR CULINARY SKILLS! I CANNOT BELIEVE this restaurant has lasted SO LONG with YOU working here and hasn’t even been SHUT DOWN for its terrible service and hygiene! TWENTY SINS! (one ding for 20 sins)

Amy: Finally. A chance to make our voices heard by cutting down something that other people worked really hard on.

Me: I hope you’re not aiming to do this to the most successful companies in town. (ding)

D.B. Platypus: On scale of ‘remarkable’ to ‘exemplary’…

Me: Groan. (ding)

Sonic: It’s a joke.

Me: Yeah, it is. Minus one sin. (reversed ding)

Sonic: I could do it in three minutes or less.

Me: Roll credits. (ding) Please don’t let this be a rip-off of ‘Late Fees’. I will give the episode more sins otherwise.

CEO: You think just because we’re a global cooperation, our employees deserve to make a living wage?

Me: You mean ‘local’, right? (ding) Also, yes they do! McDonalds does it, KFC does it and heck even Pizza Hut does it. I don’t work in those places nor did I, but still! (ding)

CEO: A chilli dog for every successful delivery?

Me: What’s Sonic going to do, buy things with them(?) (ding)

Dave: Our customers are notorious cheapskates, so don’t except any tips.

Me: Why should anyone tip you for TERRIBLE CUSTOMER SERVICE? (ding) [Romantic music plays] Have I heard this music somewhere? Kinda sounds like something from the 70’s or a song from Barry White. (ding)

Sonic: Not that I care who you have lunch with…

Me: Is this a subtle joke like when Bo Peep from ‘Toy Story’ wanted to ‘get someone else to watch the sheep tonight’? (ding)

Amy: It’s for you, Sonic. I thought you’d like a break from working.

Me: At least her true feelings are coming to light. (ding) Also, that’s really sweet but why would you want to stop someone in the middle of their shift? (ding) [jaunty music plays] The music sounds like a mix between Crash Bandicoot and Super Mario. No sin here.

Sonic: I got six chilli dogs coming my way.

Me: Would you care to share them with your two friends? Six is divisible by two and three after all. (ding)

Eggman: Lousy TV thinks I don’t even know my own enemy.

Me: You don’t even know Knuckles’ name. (ding)

Eggman: Wouldn’t it be just glorious if he was late and I got it for free.

Me: But why? You’re rich and Meh Burger meals are inexpensive. (ding)

Cubot: What is this complicated plan of chaos?

Eggman: I’m going to attack him when he leaves Meh Burger and make him late for his deliveries.

Me: These robots’ expressions pretty much mirror mine. And no, Eggman doesn’t think to use a strong tranquiliser dart to knock Sonic out for more than 3 minutes. The episode would then have to have Team Sonic (minus Sonic) do the job for him in hope to make it in time. …Yeah, I know. Stupid idea. (ding)

Sonic: Here’s your order, piping hot.

Me: Hey, someone gets it. But I really hate the Gogobas. They complain that the meal is too big, then complain that it’s too small and finally complain about the paying for the food. (ding) [Sonic destroys Cowbot] Hold on a minute. Wasn't that robot supposed to destroy everything in a 20-mile radius AFTER IT HAS BEEN DESTROYED? (ding)

Sonic: One second to spare.

Eggman: [seeing the timer reach zero] No.

Me: No. (ding)

Eggman: [glaring at Orbot and Cubot] You took the secret tunnel?

Orbot: There was a battle outside. There was no other way in.

Eggman: That was the point.

Me: To have your two robot assistants destroyed in the battlefield? Well, it just goes to show how much you truly care about them. (ding)

Sonic: I quit.

Me: But things were going so well for the customers. Oh well, back to square one where the customer service sucks. (ding) Also, was it necessary to eat ALL the chilli dogs? (ding)

Dave: Finally! All those satisfied customers were weirding me out.

Me: That’s the whole point of restaurants! You’re supposed to have satisfied customers! Why is this idiot still working here? (ding)


Sin Tally: 48

Sentence: Shutdown on Meh Burger (hopefully never be reopened again) 

My take on EWW Three Minutes or Less. I was going to do a 'wild side' joke (on the romantic date/break scene), but I decided not to as it would sound too dirty.

UPDATE: I had to delete and change a few things. I misheard Comedy Chimp saying three minutes when he said thirty and I missed the opportunity to say 'roll credits'. Aaaanndd I forgot to include the rule of destroying Cowbot. ^^; One more sin for the tally.

UPDATE 2: A kids' cartoon named League Of Super Evil (you know what the abbreviation is, right?) did an episode based on getting free delivery if the delivery boy is late. It came to mind MONTHS after I wrote this script.
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Z-GirlStudios's avatar
Dave is by far the worst. I shake my head in disappointment.